On self love...

Self love is when I am standing 2 legs solid in the moment, and accept myself.

I have learned that dwelling in the past feels to me like a very heavy pack on my back pulling me backwards on a steep hill, because I am not balanced.

Now I realize that thinking that "I need to get better" at what I am doing as I do it that very moment is completely missing the moment. It is like stepping onto air, the future, at the top of the mountain. It doesn't exist except for falling. It's killing myself.

When I am in the moment, and content with it, that is self love. I am happy to be where I am. I can trust myself and my instincts, relax, and enjoy the beauty of the present. The beauty of climbing, playing, enjoying my kids, enjoying my friends, enjoying myself. The focus it takes to accomplish a step in steep snow, a beautiful smooth shift while playing a concert, listening to my daughter tell me all about her gymnastics accomplishments, the chaos of kids and their friends together... and enjoying the silence and peace I have on my own. Appreciating what I am given every day.

That is when fear, and the necessity to prove myself, vanishes. Because I just am. In the present, ready for the adventure of climbing, or going shopping in a busy supermarket, cooking for a demanding friend, feeding my kids, baking, getting through messy rehearsals...

And when fear does come back, accepting it and using it to my benefit. Learning from it to focus, face it straight forward, and figure out what is that scares me. Then using every tool I have to confront it and get past it. Whether the tools are friends I trust and admire, practice, pull ups, ice axes or food and sleep, trusting myself to figure out what I need, and not having to lean on others for the answer that I only have. That is self love for me. Trust and acceptance to live life to the full, even if it hurts as hell. It's ok.

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