No Emotions Left Behind.

I started nursing school 2 years ago… and self doubt set in.

I know nothing. Nothing. Paralyzed.

I think of something to write… play... I need evidence, technique… know enough… prove… and what are people going to think and say…

And who am I to say or play anything anyway?

How did I write- and play- so much before? Maybe I was just a fucking ignorant musician in need of better education?

Or was it the passion of writing, writing, writing, without caring about anything else, because passion was what took me? The emotion and satisfaction of just playing, playing, playing… finding new places, things, foods, people, ideas, the word really. Being alive. I was inspired.

But that all died. In work, schooling, lack of sleep, darkness. No more vision beyond. Dead- and pissed off about it.

But still running. Dead. And running… running. And I see this tree. Standing alone, defiant, barren, in the middle of spring. And the beautiful openness, bigness of Wyoming, endless skies and dreams… beauty, inspiration.

There is a beyond. The whole picture. The beauty of the struggle. Trusting my emotions. Owning them. Letting myself experience them- instead of shutting them down as I have always done in order to survive. I have read, and listened, and been told so much about emotions. They are so often considered a weakness of people that cannot think and be objective. The opposite of being rational, stable.

That is not my truth.

My brain can think up and make up anything possible in order to justify and rationalize what is right there, fucking right there in front of me, and I don't want to see. A relationship I don't want to be in, a job, marital problems, children, friends, lovers, food, alcohol, exercise, sleep… you name it, the brain is there to fuck it all up. Muddle it all up in "ifs" and "what ifs" and "shoulds." Emotions are what keep me stable. Attuned to life.

Maybe that is why I love running and climbing so much. Because it is hard. Very hard- for me. And it forces my brain to empty out the bullshit and focus on the obvious. The uphill. The next hold. What is the obvious in front of me:

My life.

Emotions are my gut speaking to me, raw. "This feels horrible. Sofia this feels fucking horrible!!!"--- Ignore it???  Make up ideas to cover it all up, when I am literally balling my eyes out???  Bury them, shove them out… and they only come up later on... stronger. So fucking annoying.

I can't lie to them. They are my power. How I discern what I need, what keeps me at peace, positive, happy… alive to play again, to write, to get out there to experience the new. Every day. Color. Connect. To life.

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